Dixter

I've made no bones here about the fact that Showtime's Dexter is pretty much hands-down the best show on television today, and in fact has been for several years. Once The Sopranos was nearing the end of its run, and Lost turned into Heroes for Seasons 5 and 6, I'm not sure anything else has even put up a fight. Dexter is the most suspenseful, well-executed and just downright exciting thing to watch on what is otherwise a badly slumping selection of programs available on tv today.

But this past Sunday, Dexter made a major faux pas. Basically, it "pulled a Lost". And I don't mean that in a Seasons 1 through 3 of Lost kind of way.

I railed against Season 6 of Lost hardcore at the end of the show, because I am nothing if not objective at all times, and the way the writers ended that show was perhaps the most extreme example of a total lack of narrative integrity of any television show in history. What I mean by that is, the guys who write the show have full, 100% and sole control over what they present to us, the viewers, and the way they go about it. As a former fan of Lost, I don't have any possible power to affect what they do with the plot, nor can I affect the order in which it is presented to us, how much they use narrative devices like flashbacks / flash-forwards, etc. All of this is by definition completely and solely up to the writers of the show, and we viewers are simply at those writers' whim in watching the program the way they have chosen to present the facts to us.

In Season 6 of Lost, the writers chose to spend about 15 out of 18 hours of the final season describing what they willingly called "Sideways World" in interviews and columns outside of the show itself. They showed us all the characters from the rest of the five seasons of Lost that had come and gone, and they spent considerable time detailing those people's stories in Sideways World, their relationships -- with their spouses, ex-lovers, the children we never knew they had in the universe we had come to know for five years on Lost. They spent something like 80% of the total airtime of the final season presenting this detailed and painstakingly-constructed new world of interpersonal relationships and plot lines to us, in a way that made it more or less obvious that this world was "real" in some traditional sense. No, they didn't come right out and tell us that, but they didn't have to. The writers of course are in 100% control of the way things are presented to the viewers, and they went out of their way to make it clear that this world -- while we were never told what its exact nature was -- was "real". I mean, why else take multiple episodes detailing Kate's new and different problems with the law, delving into Jack's burgeoning relationship with his formerly estranged son, Miles and Sawyer's trials and tribulations as police officers, yadda yadda yadda. The writers even had the temerity to sprinkle in some direct dialogue from Daniel Faraday around the middle of the season espousing his theory -- this, from the scientist who was basically right about everything else he posited about the island for the past couple of years he was on the show -- that Sideways World was, in fact, exactly what all of us viewers thought it was -- an alternative reality created somehow by the simultaneous creation and avoidance of "the event" at the Swan station on the island back in the 1970s Dharma days. Short of straight-out coming out and saying that's what it was, there was literally nothing more that the Lost writers could have done to tell us that's what we were looking at in Sideways World.

And then, in the final minutes of the final episode of the series, they sprung on us that it was all a lie. Not that we were wrong, mind you, because we were all but told this by the writers -- again, the only people with any control whatsoever over what information is presented to the audience and in what way -- but rather, that they had been lying all along. Deliberately abusing the power that they controlled 100% all by themselves to tell us one thing, wasting 80% of the final season of what had formerly been one of the great suspense / sci fi serials in television history, and then telling us it all meant nothing all along. Nothing at all.

Although with a little time to absorb how badly those writers fucked their loyal audience, it is difficult nowadays to find anyone anymore who still argues that Lost ended well, I still have to laugh whenever I do read or hear someone try to make that argument nowadays, clearly trying to hold on to something that was already long ago taken away from them whether they like it or wish it or not. Because what the writers of Lost did -- factually speaking, now -- does not take any talent. It doesn't take intelligence. And it certainly doesn't take any foresight whatsoever. Any monkey in charge of writing a plot-driven show could tell us a lie, continue telling the lie, refining it, making it seem more and more and more true over five months of episodes, and then at the end spring on us that they were lying all along. A bunch of children could get together and pull that off -- in fact, it's pretty much the easiest, least skilled, and just generally cheapest and lowest-quality move any plot-driven show could ever do, which pretty much explains why almost nobody else ever tries to get away with such silliness in their shows, and why the ones who do (Dallas, for example), are roundly villified for it for literally generations into the future. Trying to give a show's writers credit for outright lying to you and then exposing their lie, that's like rewarding a child for telling you a good lie and then later admitting it. Try as I might, I just can't play that game.

OK enough rehashing of the past, sad and disappointing though it may be. Dexter this past Sunday pulled a trick straight out of Lost's playbook, and I am still really disappointed about it here three full days after the fact, because, like I had thought about Lost up until Season 4, I used to think Dexter's writers were above this sort of puerile shenanigans. But I guess everyone runs out of ways to make their show interesting without some sort of chicanery and serious misleading of the audience eventually if its run lasts long enough.

I'm not really looking to spoil things for anyone who hasn't watched the episode yet but plans to, so I'm not planning to go into extreme detail about the entire episode here, but I think it's fair to say that if you are one of those people still waiting to watch this past weekend's episode, you will want to click away from this page.






Right.






Now.






OK, now that those clowns who are actually able to wait this long to watch the latest episode of this kind of a show are gone, I'll explain what has me so beefed about this weekend's episode. In the scenes from this week that they showed us a week ago, the writers clearly teased that Jordan Chase (the main bad guy this season has ended up focusing on) sets up Dexter, calling and alerting Dexter's police officer sister right when Jordan knows Dexter is about to commit a murder that Jordan Chase has set up all along.

This plot line actually played itself out in this week's episode, and here's how. First they show Dexter and his partner in crime breaking into the house of the guy they plan to kill, scoping the place out, and choosing an exercise room in the back of his house to be their "kill room" where they are going to actually waste this guy later that day. Then they come back that night as soon as the intended victim comes to his house, sneak in, and needle him in the neck as is Dexter's typical MO. Then they show them in the kill room, with the victim all strapped down as per usual, and long story short, they proceed to kill his sick, twisted, rapey ass. Meanwhile, as soon as they sneak in to the guy's house, we in fact see Jordan Chase watch Dexter enter the victim's house to make his kill, and then Jordan calls Dexter's cop sister and gives her information that he knows will lead to her immediately rushing out to the victim's house. We see Dexter's policewoman sister Deb get the call from Jordan Chase, and just as planned, she immediately jumps into the car and speeds out to the house with her partner. We see her and her partner arrive right away at the victim's house, and all the while we're seeing interspersed the scenes of Dexter and his partner killing this guy in their kill room in the back of the very same house where Dexter's cop sister and her partner are now inside and searching for anything out of the ordinary.

I should take a minute and mention that Dexter's sister catching him being a killer is basically the ultimate denouement that this show could ever do, the thing that, frankly, they've been setting up for since the show first began five seasons ago. I mean, this is the single biggest thing that could ever possibly happen on this show. Dexter getting caught in general is always a looming possibility that could happen and that he is always fighting against, but his own sister being the one to catch him in the act, that's the single most ultimate mindfucky thing that could ever possibly happen, given the way they've set this show up for five years. I have long since assumed that that is eventually where they're going to take the show when they're ready to officially jump the shark or just end the series for good, but to have it suddenly be actually happening here near the end of Season 5, take it from me if you don't watch the show -- it was just mind-boggling. And there was no way Dexter was realistically going to get out of this one -- they way he kills his victims, there is always some good screaming, and it takes a long time to clean up the mess, as it's not meant or designed to be a quiet or neat process, and it never is. His sister and another cop are searching in the very house where Dexter is behind a closed door in the back, committing the ultimate crime in cold blood with no provocation and with the very definition of malice aforethought. He can't possibly get out of it no matter what this time, and believe me when I say that every single Dexter viewer in the world's heart was absolutely racing as Deb moved from room to room in the victim's house, eventually came to the very door where Dexter and his partner were inside committing cold-blooded murder, and they can see the light shining out from under the door -- someone is inside.

Holy shit.

Deb gets her partner for backup, and she leans out and opens the door...

And it's just an exercise room. An empty, nothing-out-of-the-ordinary exercise room.

The next scene, we see Dexter and his partner return to his apartment for a little romp between the sheets, talking about how great the kill was. No mention of almost getting caught, no mention of clearing out of there faster than usual, and, glaringly, no mention whatsoever of apparently having decided to move the kill room to some other place at the last minute. I mean, they didn't even give us the courtesy (as ghey as this would have still been) of having Dexter remark to his partner something like how glad he is that they decided not to kill the guy right in his own house after all because the cops could be watching, etc. Something. Anything. But, nope. Nothing at all, no explanation, nothing. Leaving us viewers -- I suppose -- to just intuit that Dexter changed his mind somewhere between the scene five minutes earlier where they showed him choosing the exercise room at the back of the victim's house to make the kill, and the time that they actually made the kill (and we were deliberately not shown him leaving or dragging the body anywhere, nor could we have any clue where this kill actually took place, since he cannot for obvious reasons if you watch the show use either of his apartments and he no longer has his storage unit where he's killed so many of his past victims).

Look, it's one thing to present a few suggestive scenes and allow the viewer to make his or her own inferences from among a number of possible choices or jump to conclusions about what's going to happen, making the viewer work for it a bit, and then showing us later that our conclusions -- our guesses, ultimately -- were wrong. Frankly, that is generally a formula for great tv, and it's something that many of the great suspense and mystery stories of all time have in spades. But it's a whole other thing to straight-up tell us -- from the position where the writers have 100% total and complete control over what we see and how we see it -- that one thing is the case, and then at the end of it all just tell us "whoops, we lied to you! Muhahahahahahah isn't this a great show or what?"

No. It's not a great show. As mostly everyone realizes by now about Lost as well, any moron can show us Dexter going to the victim's house, choosing the guy's exercise room to be the kill room, then show him going back to the house and needling the victim, and then in the next scene show him in the kill room doing the actual kill, and then show Dexter's cop sister going to the same house at the same time Dexter is in there committing cold-blooded serial killer murder, show her opening the door to the very room where they've told you and shown you he is doing a kill right then. And then have the room be empty. Any monkey with a camera and some film could do that. The thing is, it's only something a monkey, or a child, would actually do. Any child could do that, when they're the one who writes the show. It's just misleading in a deliberate and ultimately stupid way. Anyone with half a brain can just lie to us directly, showing us one thing and then later surprising us by telling us that they lied. But shows don't do that in general, because it's stupid, it's unfair, it's a weakass move to do to your loyal fans, and ultimately it just shows a total lack of narrative integrity when you can't even trust the things that the narration of the show all but tells you are true.

For my money, that scene in this week's episode of Dexter pretty much represents the low point over five years of the entire series so far. When the writers of a successful show feel the need to resort to outright lying to the viewers in order to manufacture a suspenseful situation at the end of a season where there is in fact none at all, it is just about the cheapest, most lame and ultimately most disrespectful-to-the-viewers television move imaginable. It is just sinking to the level of Lost, which believe you me is not where you want to be.

TV

While I'm busy not talking about poker, and as we await the House rubber-stamp on the freshly-revised bailout package that the people of this country dislike as much as the one that was voted down a few days ago (I actually bet it's moreso in fact), I thought today I would just give some thoughts on another favorite topic of mine: tv.

First off, the one (and only) new show I was actually looking forward to this year was Fringe. I knew absolutely nothing about it until the day it premiered, but the reason I had been anticipating it so much was that it is created by J.J. Abrams, the producer of Lost. Frankly, that was all I needed to know to be interested in at least giving it a chance. Obviously Lost is the best, most suspenseful and basically most well-done show of the milennium so far, and I watched Abrams' movie Cloverfield as well with high anticipation, leaving feeling let down but still finding it interesting enough to hold my respect for the man behind the best thriller ever to hit the television airwaves. So when I heard he was bringing this new show Fringe to Fox this season, I actually programmed my DVR to make sure I had the whole season taping.

And then I promptly canceled it after seeing the premiere. Talk about formulaic. This show is like a poor man's X-Files (easily one of the best shows of the '90s). A very, very poor man. Sure they throw in that actor who plays Matthew Abbadon on Lost, and he himself is worth watching just to see how creepy he really is. But otherwise the actors are all bottom-rung and/or no-names, led by the dude who played Pacey on Dawson's Creek, for all you ghey people out there. And let me tell you, Pacey has no place as a leading actor in anything, let alone something with as horrible of writing as Fringe has. Just about the only thing original about Fringe is that they thought, just to make it not an exact copy of the X-Files, they would make Pacey play the doubting, skeptical Scully character, while getting some unknown blond chick to play the totally believing Mulder person. Otherwise, the pilot was just about the most boring, trite thing I've seen in a few years. I struggled to get through the first episode, and I won't ever watch it again.

Speaking of not watching other bad shows, Heroes? Nope. 15 minutes during Season 1, plus the joke that apparently Season 2 was, is enough for me to have made my judgment. I'll never watch that thing. And Terminator? Here wss another show that you had a lot of people out there talking about in its first season last year, so I eventually tuned in. And I was bored (and btw, you will not find a bigger fan of the Terminator movies than me, anywhere). But the show just doesn't qutie have it. The acting is blah, the stories are blah, and frankly the whole thing just feels like a big two-year marketing blitz for the new Terminator movie coming out in Summer 2009, starring Christian Bale of the new Batman fame, which is exactly what it started off as according to producers Warner Brothers. Even though I will surely be seeing that movie, the tv show is a skip, which is just what I've done this season. Never even set the DVR for it, and I'm not missing it one bit. Anything with David Austin Greene as one of the big stars is just not for me. Gee, I wonder if that guy is still a virgin?

Now to one of the bright spots of this year's programming so far: Entourage. This is what, the fourth season of the show now? In the first year, Vincent Chase got Big. In the second year he lived it up. In the third season, he took a gamble and made an indie film, which ended up bombing horrifically. And now here in the fourth season, the show has once again changed its nature, with the first part of the season so far all about Vince struggling to come back from the failed Medaean (who the hell knows how to spell that shit?). And even though it is the saddest, most pessimistic season yet of the show, would anyone out there try to say it hasn't been awesome? Every episode so far has been effing great as far as I'm concerned. It reminds me a lot of Book 5 I think of the Harry Potter series, the one where Harry spends all year being hated and having no friends at school, and just generally having a horrible year, even though the book itself was still quite good. That's Vincent Chase's life right now.

I'm enjoying seeing E. make it a little bit as an agent for some people other than just Vince. As always, Ari Gold remains one of the best, coolest characters anywhere on television today. And Johnny Drama is just as pathetic as ever. The actor who plays Vince is I think doing a great job portraying the down-on-his-luck former star who needs to find a way back to the big-time. I'm just trying to figure out if the entire season is going to go like this, or rather if something big will happen for Vinny before they sign off until probably next summer. Either way, I imagine most of you Entourage fans out there if nothing else are joining me in not missing Billy the director at all from last season. He was another good character, someone we all can relate to since most of us know at least one of these artsy-fartsy types who is way too particular and dramatic about everything, but to be honest last season ended up being far too much Billy and not enough of everyone else. To me, this year has started off so far as Entourage's best yet, and here's hoping that continues.

Speaking of the best shows on tv, let's not forget that just this past weekend, Dexter returned for its third season on Showtime. Dexter was I would say hands-down the best show on television last year, and the writers have an amazing way of cranking up the suspense right from the first minute and just never turning it down all season long. This year they seem to have jumped us right in to the fray once again with the premiere, as Dexter "accidentally" killed the wrong man, and already he's got some Miami bigwigs hot on the trail of the killer. It is a somewhat familiar plot in general terms to last season's big story, but I have 100% confidence that the creators will be taking this season in new, unexpectedly awesome turns.

If you haven't ever watched Dexter, you are a clown and should rectify that right away. It's a show about a guy who works for the Miami forensics lab as a blood spatter expert by day, and by night he goes out and kills people. Lots of them. Ritualistically. But the kicker is, he only kills confirmedly bad people. Other killers of innocents, rapists, abusers, shit like that. So he doesn't kill indiscriminately at all, but his upbringing has still led him to be one fucked-up bloodluster. And as I mentioned, the writing is top-notch and the stories so far through two seasons have both been absolutely awesome. I swear I'm still shivering from last season's finale, which was just about as hair-raising and palm-sweating as they come. You definitely want to check this one out if you haven't before -- if you have Showtime On Demand you can watch the first episode of Season 3 right now for free.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget Lost coming back too later this year. Well, technically not until early next year. And at that, it will feel like about ten years from now. But shit I can't wait to see what happens next in that show. I mean, they moved the freaking island man. They just up and moved it! Wtf does that even mean?

Go Phillies!! Tonight at 6pm ET on TBS.