Why Oh Why

Why oh why do I persist in starting up large tournaments that I know going in I am HOPING to be in for a while, when I know it's too late and I'm already feeling very sleepy before the thing even starts? I mean, the first one or two times I did this it was dumb, but almost cute in a way as I cut my chops playing online. I had to learn that yes it is different from playing in a casino or in some other live game, where within reason I really can't see myself POSSIBLY falling asleep at the table, but sitting in front of your computer at 1am when you know you have to be up again before 6am for work that same morning, it is far easier than at any live game to lose your focus, and I have most definitely even dozed off once or twice during a tournament run before. Lately, I haven't been falling asleep, but eventually when I know that is coming I just start moving in with any Ace, and then if I'm really falling asleep, it becomes any King, any Queen and eventually just any card over a 10, all in an attempt to just give up, lose all my chips and close my heavy eyelids for the night. Which is SO dumb considering that this is MY MONEY I'm dealing with here! Moreso, even this allin plan is funny to me in that I always tell myself at the time that if I somehow double up, that would wake me up enough to continue, but in reality in most cases I'm far too gone at that point. It's 1am, I was up all day chasing after and taking care of two screaming kids, worked out, etc., and now I'm trying to sit in silence for 3 hours at my pc starting at 11pm, when most normal people are already in the sack? It's hard work, most of my readers will know exactly what I'm talking about. But then WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?

One big goal I have for the rest of this year, and forever for that matter, is simply not to play anymore when I'm at that point. Even the most basic of poker books includes that advice, almost as an obvious truism in most cases. I just need to remember that the next time I fire up a pokerstars 180 sng at 11:30pm. WTF am I thinking?! Just. Plain. Stupid.